This is the one personal thing I can never tell anyone. I have OCD and its called Trichotillomania. If you don’t know what it is, it’s the compulsive urge to pull out one’s own hair leading to noticeable hair loss, distress, and social or functional impairment. It is often chronic and difficult to treat.. I’ve been dealing with this since I was 8 years old. I use to pull my hair, my eye lashes, my eye brows and my arm/leg hairs. I pulled that many eye lashes out when I was a kid, that people had noticed. I got bullied every day till I was 10/11 years old. They’d call me either ‘ugly’ ‘weird’ ‘freak’ ‘disgusting’ ‘not normal’.. This made me do it even more because of the stress and anxiety I was going through. I cried pretty much every day after school during those years.
I’m in year 12 and after 5 years, my OCD is back. Along side with Depression and Anxiety/Stress. I started to pull my hair, eye brows and rarely my eye lashes. My Mum was the one to notice. I didn’t even realise. I’m always stressing over everything and anything, to the point where my hands cant stop shaking.. I’ve been sick for the last two years with all kinds of sicknesses, making me miss school a fair bit. I’m behind in so much work. The teachers make me feel dumb all the time. Even when they explain what it is I’m suppose to be doing, I still don’t get it. I feel so stupid.
For the last two months I’ve cried before school. I argue with my Dad every day. He gets that angry, he starts throwing objects. He’s raised his fist to me once. I’m not scared of him, even if he did hit me. Because I don’t even care what happens to me anymore. I don’t want to be at school or at home anymore. I sometimes feel like I don’t want to live on this planet.. I’m sick of being teased all the time because of my faults, me being quiet and also looking depressed/tired. Yes, I am depressed and tired.
I cut myself a few weeks ago over something stupid. A boy. An ex-boyfriend, who lead me on and then fucked me off for some other skinnier and prettier blonde girl. Don’t make someone fall for you if you’re not going to catch them. I constantly, keep thinking about suicide. All because of bullying, boys, parents, school, teachers.. Just life. It sucks.
Every night I stay up till I’m tired as. Like now for instance, it’s 2:45am and I have school today. I do this because I know if I go to bed when I’m semi tired, I’m going to think about negative things and the past. Even if I try to think of positives I can’t, because there is no positive things in my life at the moment.
I’m always the one who listens to other people’s problems and help them out. But where are they when I need help and support?
Anyway.. I’ll quit my complaining. It’s not like anyone is going to read this >< ..
Good morning beautiful people ♡
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